Fireflies, Not Stars
For so long, I have set rules for myself and internalized standards of living in hopes of becoming a better person every day, unlike those old folks who never grew up after their early 20s. I thought this meant I had control over my life and future. But it turns out all the role models are flawed humans; false roads to an ideal destination lead to dead ends. I had been following a firefly, not the stars. And when I finally could tell the difference and looked up, I realized I was utterly alone.
So, what do I do now? When mentors are not heroes and everyone loses themselves, how do I make decisions? How do I make good decisions? And if not deciding is also a decision, how much time do I have in this game before the timer runs out? If I am to make choices only based on my intuition and not influenced by others, what am I striving for?
If I am not chasing the next best thing—or anything—then who am I? I once believed my identity depended on my environment. But in a place outside of spacetime, in a blank void—who am I? When am I? Is there such a thing as an objective self? What is authentic if my truth depends on conditions? Who am I?
I find myself wishing more than ever to be IN LOVE. Reading, watching, listening to stories of love and its power—feels like it could be my next source of light in this bleak world. Like mothers experiencing a surge of adrenaline, capable of doing things they didn't know they could to save a life—I want to see how that feels.
In a world full of choices, it almost feels suffocating and burdensome to live. How great would it be to have someone, or something, to lie for? To have a purpose for continuing? If there is no universal meaning of life, just individual meanings unique to everyone, how great would it be to find the long-thought-dead God in your immediate surroundings? I already believe no one is here to save me, and there is no God. Still, to have something to live for, every decision to face the same direction rather than blindly throwing darts into the dark, hoping that when you choose a direction, something is already waiting for you.