Oh Loneliness pt.1
After nearly 5 years of consistent weekly therapy sessions, I was surprised to still be learning new things about myself. The most recent discovery I have made is that a specific emotion is tied to my tears: loneliness. It’s crazy how, even now, just writing about it —while also being aware that this makes me cry —makes me get teary-eyed.
I thought I was at peace with the thought of being alone, and even though I was hyper-independent to a fault. But it turns out that my deep fear of being utterly alone actually makes me push people away before they can come into my heart, leaving coldly without looking back.
I fear that everyone who gets to know me will come to hate me as much as I hate myself. And I am terrified of loving someone so wholeheartedly just for them to hurt me when push comes to shove. I’ve had friends pull away, boys break my heart, parents who never understood my big emotions... no wonder, at the age of 26, I am still so unsure of how to truly be myself when life has seemingly proved, time and time again, that to be myself is to be unpalatable?
It makes sense that I struggle with disorganized attachment as I am a deeply lonely person who wants to be understood and loved more than anything else, while simultaneously being terrified at the thought of anyone I love leaving me.
Recently, I have been feeling this bone-chilling level of loneliness more so than usual. Understanding that although I love my friends and they love me, I am not a priority, and maybe I love them more than they love me. Especially when it comes to friends with significant others, they have their priority person locked down.
Surrounded by a large group of strangers who all know each other... the confidence and charm I thought I had built over the summer melted away to only leave a young girl who sat alone in the cafeteria, cried into the pillow, muffling the sounds of tears from her mother, silently abandoned to deal with her panic attacks while dad watches TV three steps away, and was pushed away from a guy she was seeing because he could tell she was “catching feelings” without even given the time to explain.