Time-out pt.2
Lately I feel like the universe has slammed a giant “pause” button on my life. Friendship, romance, hope, passion — all gone at once. Everyone is telling me to rest and reflect, but this feels like an exile.
Fine, take my money and call me a fucking idiot but I can't believe the world has made me this empty inside. I feel like just a shell of the person I was even a few weeks ago. What else do I need to learn before I finally get what I want? How many more tests and assignments do I need to pass this class and never look back? I was ready to hit the ground running when I came back to New York after the previous time-out in early 2024, when everything I wanted was stripped out of reach just as I thought it was only a few held breaths away. And now it’s happened again, sabotaging my hope and drive by sending a diabolical vampire masquerading as a mentor, a creative collaborator, and a friend.
Am I supposed to take all of this as a lesson? And if it is a lesson, why can’t mine come with good news like others? Why not a “Here is a great opportunity for you! Let’s see how far you can soar. Show us what you’ve got,” instead of a “Here’s a blood-sucking monster draped in tacky branded clothing, terrible plastic surgery, and a personality disorder. She will approach you as a friend but she will take your creativity, your energy, your will to pursue, and your trust in seeing the good in people. Now figure out how to get out of this mess.”
I am trying my best to gracefully get through this period and see every day as a learning opportunity — watching videos, reading books, listening to advice from others. But this world we’re in sends so many mixed messages: you can give yourself grace but you always have to be learning; you have to fail in order to succeed but there are right and wrong ways to deal with your failure; you have all the time in the world so don’t feel like you’re running out of time, but every day you also have to be trying hard; you can be jealous of others but also jealousy is toxic so you are a terrible person.
My head is spinning. I convince myself that I'll be okay, and then I break down into tears again and again and again a hundred times a day. Trying to recover itself is an emotional roller coaster of being hopeful and receptive, then disappointed and alone is exhausting.
It feels cruel how people expect me to keep going, saying, “Think how much stronger you’ll become,” and "this will pass and you'll be thanking yourself for getting through these times" when there isn’t even an inkling of encouragement to keep me moving forward. What happened to whips and carrots for the bunny? I am trying my best to look at silver linings, drinking tea and talking about patience and self-reflection, but it gets so hard.
I feel guilty for not being able to just move on to the next thing and keep pushing. Why is it taking so long to get back to myself? You are better than this so stand the fuck up!
I’ve got nothing. I am empty and barren. Nothing to show anyone. No one wants me. No one is looking for me. And even if none of this is true, if the world keeps telling you, showing you these moments, how am I not supposed to believe it? I wish I can be cool and self-assured. But no, had to be born with this silken tofu heart meant for nowhere other than to be broken, digested, and consumed.
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This post isn’t even well written, but it’s all I’ve got. There is nothing I want more than to lock in and dive headfirst into a piece I feel strongly about. But since I can’t and only have this boiling anxiety about not doing anything, here is a rant.